5 Lessons for coping with Mental Health Issues
Good Evening,
This week, we saw how the media highlighted the suicide by Saurabh Kumar Ladda - IIT Chennai+IIM Calcutta+McKinsey.
India reports 12 suicides every year for 1 lakh of population.
India reported a total of over 1.7 lakh suicides in 2022, nearly one-third of whom were daily wage earners, agricultural labourers, and farmers.
Why is mental health such an important issue in India and yet such a taboo?
As a society we are primed to believe that :
“Life is a race and you must always be ahead. Keep running - From KG in school to Business-school, your report card is your identity”
“You are not living your life. You are born to fulfil the unfulfilled dreams of your parents”
“If you quit a high paying job, how will your parents show their face to relatives”
“Having anxiety issues. Just stop over-thinking”
“Want to take medical help for anxiety /depression. Have you gone mad? What will people say?”
And so as a result, the ones with mental health suffer silently - and some succumb to the pressure eventually.
For me, mental health issues have shaped the trajectory of my life. And hence the deep learnings.
Lesson 1: Take medical help when you are in depression
When I was pursuing my MBA -amidst the hyper-competitive environment - I sustained April’14, I sustained May’14, but come June’14 and I broke down. I was in deep mess- wanted to even quit the course. Realised that IIM Ahmedabad also had a counselling session for anxious students. But the problem didn’t go away with the counselling ‘chill-pills’. I kept getting the panic attacks. When finally I went to Dr Ratna Bilwani - and I owe my MBA completion to this iconic lady, who sadly is no more - she told me - “You are in deep depression. You haven’t had a good sleep for days. I need to put you on medication. And don’t worry - from the same B-school, I have treated dozens like you. It’s so fancy from the outside. But it hasn’t suited you. So, accept the fact and focus on course completion”.
The chemicals in your brain go haywire when you are in depression. Accept it and first take medicines. At that point of time, don’t try the lozenge of “positive thinking”, “stop over-thinking” - it is dangerous. Your brain has got deficient in certain chemicals, say Serotonin - take it.
Counselling, mindfulness, yoga etc come later, for the long term cure.
N.B. In moments of depression, its absolutely important to go to a doctor who gives you time. In Kolkata, the doctor whom I had approached treated patients like cars to be handled on an assembly line- 100 minutes 100 patients - Rs 100 fee - If (patient has mental health issues, issue this standard medicine, go). Your mental health issues have to be respected by the doctor, even if the fee is Rs 2000.
Lesson 2: Choose your goalposts- don’t be a copy cat
It is so ironical that when I look back at the goalposts I wanted to achieve, they were set up by others. I was always primed into believing that I must be ahead in the race.
I had also taken up Science in Class 11 - notwithstanding my core inclination for Commerce - besotted by the IIT+IIM tag - it’s your passport to success in India, was what the 18 year old version of me had picked from the newspapers.
2 years later, I realised, the hard way, that you cannot excel in a field, only because it has a lot of potential. You need to respect your inner talent and what your mind is comfortable with
A lot of my friends cracked the IIT exams - went onto get marquee jobs - VP at this MNC- but i see them still on the treadmill - because they now are in a circle of super achievers - and the “jungle instinct” is to outperform. Since everyone earns a few crores each year, the differentiator is who earns the highest there.”
When I look at what they have achieved, I sometimes feel inferior but then when I ask myself “Did I want the life they are leading? Maybe not”. Same for friends in marquee roles in Investment Banking, in Management Consulting, in CXO roles - somewhere down the line, when you hear their whole story- you feel that it is good for them - not for you”
Someone in your circle might feel that its ok to drink to develop social network and grow faster. You might feel its useless. Respect them. More importantly respect yourself.
Lesson 3: Get out of the trap of comparision
The poor man feels the rich is happy, the rich feels that the king is happy , the king feels that Chakravarti King is happy who in turn feels that Indra Bhagwan is happy….
निर्धन कहे धनवान सुखी,
धनवान कहे सुख राजा को भारी,
राजा कहे चक्रवर्ती सुखी,
चक्रवर्ती कहे सुख इन्द्र को भारी
Everyone feels that someone else is happy - it is a trap. For good mental health, it’s important to appreciate the unique equation of your life. It’s important to reflect why you were born in the family that you were born, with the talents and skillsets that came naturally to you, the people who came into your life at different points- for good and bad - it is nothing short of a cosmic spectacle. The Bhagavad Gita has powerful lessons here.
Lesson 4: You need to decide how much is enough for you
Everyone is running and chasing goals
I recently approached a friend for counselling - I asked him - how much money do you suggest is enough for me? He replied “How do I answer this question. You need to decide”. I stated that for me, even maybe Rs 10 lacs is enough but what is society rejects me as a loser. He said - Even if you earn Rs 10 crores, they will still point out someone who has Rs 100 crores to you. He repeated “ You need to decide what life you want to life and what is enough”
And then when I probed people why they wanted to be richer - they want to buy Porsche cars worth Rs 4 cr, buy duplex apartments worth Rs 12 cr, fly business class, go for exotic holidays, have equity portfolio of Rs 100 cr , have i-Phones, wear costly shirts - Some wanted to get power - like some of the dictatorial people I worked with - Would I want to get as dirty as them in the race to power- The answer was an emphatic No.
Maybe you want none of them - For sure , many can live a good life even without the societal validation that comes with attaining these materialistic things. You might be ok with playing clean than dirty - and attaining less - You might be ok with society labelling you as a loser. But in your heart of hearts, you might be happier.
Like in case when I jotted down my triggers for happiness - they were getting this internship/job for someone who was struggling, mentoring someone judicously, speaking to new people, writing blog posts, watching documentaries - not Porsche, i-Phones and Business Class Travel.
Lesson 5: Your true wealth is that one friend whom you can call up and state that you are in deep mess.
Sadly, we all have fair-weather friends, with whom we can party around. But the challenge is to get at least 1 friend who simply listens. Sadly, its more difficult to get that 1 friend. We are becoming a lonely society. Best is to even take paid sessions where the trained counsellor simply listens to your rant
I have had a friend who became my Jambavan (wise and powerful vanara chief who played a key role in the Ramayana) just before my Class 12 Boards, one who became my Jambavan just before my CA Finals. That one junior who listened for hours to my frustrating narratives after I returned to my hometown from my first job and suddenly found that the CTC shirt I was wearing had half the chamak (shine). “I am with you. Lets keep fighting” Had it not been for them, maybe these anxious moments would have snowballed into more complex events.
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Need to stop here - can write endlessly here.
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